Saturday, April 17, 2010

*Please note that this post is mostly for amusement purposes only and is not made to stir the hearts and indignation of the politically opinionated. Obvious representation of personal biases of this blogger is not intentional but unavoidable. :)

We have less than a month to go before The Big Finale. With all the confusion and pandemonium in the political world, it's sometimes hard to distinguish who's who and which side to believe in. Here, I present The Unofficial Slumbook of the 2010 Presidential Candidates written to serve as a map, GPS system, light at the end of a tunnel, ray of light in the sea of darkness, useless piece of Internet space, 5 minutes of your life  wasted that you will never get back... you decide.


Tagline: Kung walang corrupt, walang mahirap.
Favorite Color: Yellow
Distinct Physical Characteristic / Style: Receeding hairline
Famous Endorser: Kris Aquino, Kris Aquino's friends, The Simpsons, B1 at B2
Vote Because:
Noynoy is smart, well educated and comes from a family tree of heroes worthy of superpowers, red cape and visible underwear. Might prove or disprove the age old wonder if heroism is indeed genetic. (See: The Incredibles)
Do Not Vote Because:
The man talks too fast. Reporters, stenographers and the whole nation will be panting with exertion while listening and trying to comprehend his would-be SONA. Philippine monarchy issues may also arise. King Baby James in the far future might be more than a ridiculous nightmare.


Tagline: Sipag at Tiyaga / Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura?
Favorite Color: Orange
Distinct Physical Characteristic / Style: Orange Polo, Khaki Jacket, Evil Smile
Famous Endorser: Manny Pacquiao, Willie Revillame, Baby James
Vote Because:
He promises to be the Messiah and save the country from poverty, hunger, unemployment, pollution, OFWs, education and health problems, Christmas on the streets, heartless tree cutters, AIDS, Cancer, rabid dogs and annoying sales ladies with his vast estate of billions of pesos and middle class housing in just the span of four years. Now, if you honestly believe that, then......
Do Not Vote Because:
Possibility of face being plastered all around the Metro in walls, Meralco posts, plastic bags, even mineral water bottles (See: Ondoy relief goods) in all its orange glory is too horrible to even imagine. How the gargantuan amount of money spent during campaign period will be gained back is still a shady mystery. 


Tagline: The Transformers
Favorite Color: Red
Distinct Physical Characteristics / Style: Barong Tagalog, Beer belly
Famous Endorsers: Bayani Fernando... Bayani Fernando...
Vote Because:
Dick Gordon is the ultimate activist and has done loads for the place and sectors he has served. He does well on debates and execute remarkable  talent in enthusiastic public speaking.
Do Not Vote Because:
Not a lot of people watch debates, truly research about their candidates and do not get caught up with survey statistics. Hence, Dick Gordon has as much chance of winning as other candidates who does not have the surname of Villar and Aquino.


Tagline: Eddie Ako
Favorite Color: Yellow din
Distinct Physical Characteristic / Style: Yellow Polo Shirt, Bible, Holy Water, Famous quote by well-known personalities
Famous Endorser: Big Bro
Vote Because:
Malacanang will be renovated into a cathedral. Attendance to Sunday masses will be pushed as law, one year imprisonment or 10,000 php fine for convicted felonies. The Philippines will be the most holy of places, second only to Vatican.
Do Not Vote Because:
If it is Big Bro's Will, there's no need to. Big Bro will make a way, where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, he will make a way for Eddie Villanueva. 


Tagline: Galing at Talino, Sulong Gibo
Favorite Color: Green
Distinct Physical Characteristic / Style: Smooth fair skin, adorable baby face and charming smile.
Famous Endorser: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Vote Because:
Gibo possesses the charisma of someone people will like to keep as a pet because of epic cuteness and impressive intelligence. Unfortunately, he is already owned by someone else. (See: Do Not Vote Because)
Do Not Vote Because:
(See: Famous Endorser.)


Anonymous said...

yeah astig nito =))
si erap wala?
tsaka ung OTHERS

Clarriscent said...

@ Anonymous: Thanks! Yeah, I sadly forgot Erap and just realized such mistake after posting the 'article'. Will maybe edit it later. Most probably not. It doesn't matter anyway, he won't win, he SHOULDN'T win. Magtumbling ako sa gitna ng EDSA if he does. :))

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